Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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