I hate your face
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
