When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
