I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
