this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
is that a dick in a sweater?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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