Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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