it wasn't lemon gatorade
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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