woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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