just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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