You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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