its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
