i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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