3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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