he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
