I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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