is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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