Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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