I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
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I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.