I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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