Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
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I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother