Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
