Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
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That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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