Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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