people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
