I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I pour the whiskey from now on
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
