i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
