anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.