We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
