1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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