You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
