getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
