Why does Corona taste like a burp?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
