He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
