Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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