isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
