Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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