did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
