How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Threesome in a minivan. New low
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
