does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
