Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
