the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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