Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
