I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
