He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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