Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
