i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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