We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
