Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
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Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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