Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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