do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
