I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
