Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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