i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
