My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
