so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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