I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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