if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
