That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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