did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
