I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
