i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
