YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
