im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
